'Social Divorce': Equally painful and true

It must not have been easy to break the ice, but they finally did it. Jennifer Aniston's best friend Courtney Cox and hubby David Arquette approached their old friend Brad Pitt on the Golden Globes Award night and smoked a pipe with him.
The couple approached the ���Babel' star on the balcony allotted for smokers and he responded by giving Cox a bear hug and saying, "Hello, sweetheart.It is so great to see you!" The trio chatted for some time before Brad was led away by Angelina, who gave the couple a formal greeting.
David and Courtney are close friends of Jennifer and after her divorce from Brad their relationship with the ���Troy' star had become strained too. After all it's not easy remaining friends with someone who has hurt your friend.
This is a situation many divorced or separated couples find themselves in. While they were together they might have enjoyed a common social circle with a great set of friends. They might have also shared a good relationship with one another's family. But when faced with separation, what do they do with the other extended relationships? For the sake of one relationship, do they put the rest also on the block?
Jennifer Aniston still continues to be friends with Pitt's mother and sister-in-law, which incidentally is a sour point with Angelina. Gisele Bunchen is still close with her ex-boyfriend's mother Irmelin DiCaprio. While Leo doesn't seem to be worried about the relationship between the two ladies, Pitt has often shown his discomfort towards the continuing relationship between his ex and his family.
In most separations, the bitterness is so deep, that the couple themselves would prefer to cut ties with each other's friends and family. They rather give up on those friendships than suffer the emotional turmoil of being reminded about their ex and their past relationships.
Often friends too feel divided in their loyalties and they also end up choosing which partner they want to stick around with. However, if both the partners separate on amiable terms or come to accept the fact that they both need their friends and family, then such an awkward situation can be avoided.
"Of the different aspects and implications of a divorce between a man and a woman, Social Divorce forms a usual but painful component. However, the end of a marriage need not necessarily mean the end of all communication and friendship with the ex's friends and family. Your ex in-laws or your ex's family may not have contributed directly to the breakdown of your marital relationship and so, one can try and be respectful towards them. One can avoid sensitive subjects pertaining to the ex or the divorce," says Dr. Sanjay Chugh, Psychologist.
Psychologist and a practicing marital and relationship counsellor, Dr. Rachna Kothari feels that one need not really change one's behaviour towards the ex's family and friends. She advises that, "(Deal with them) just like how you usually deal with your common friends. You can keep the three R's handy to help you i.e. Rights, Responsibilities and Respect. Weigh the pros and cons of each and then decide for yourself what is best."
Shilpi Suri and her ex-husband have devised a simple method to avoid any scope of embarrassment for them or their common friends. Neither they nor their friends mention the separation or divorce. Shilpi reveals, "Our friends call me and we chat, but neither one of us mentions the topic of my divorce."
The issue arises when one or the other partner wants to continue his/her relationship with their common friends and vice versa, even as the couple themselves may have nothing to do with each other. It's quite an embarrassing situation for Brad Pitt when both his ex-wife as well as his family wants to be in touch with each other, while his current partner feels left out.
Dr. Chugh feels, "There can not be a thumb rule or a generalized answer to this. It's situational and so would vary accordingly. But if we were to talk about possible versus impossible, there is nothing to say that it cannot be possible, provided the willingness is there from both sides and efforts are also mutual."
So it finally depends on how all the people who are involved feel about the idea. For judirose, a blogger, who has maintained her relationship with her sister-in-law despite being divorced from her husband for 25 years, it is a good idea to be in touch. Advises judirose, "We have a good relationship. It doesn't feel weird at all. It would all depend on how comfortable you are with them. Maybe they like you and don't want to lose you as a friend." Marie, another blogger feels, "There is nothing wrong with being friends with them, unless they start asking questions about you and your ex, then it could get uncomfortable."
Dr. Kothari says, "If you're comfortable, and if you know what you're doing; at the same time not betraying anyone's trust; you may go ahead."
It's all about feeling comfortable with the situation. Like one blogger, irenevmk, who strongly advises against any such bonding warns, "You broke up with the guy, and the last thing you need is to be invited to all sorts of functions by his family only to see another girl on his arm." If both the partners don't come to an understanding as far as this situation is concerned, it can be quite embarrassing, when they end up bumping into each other in common gatherings.
Sometimes, when the two separated individuals are in a relationship, their existing partners may not be comfortable with this whole idea. At this time it is important to choose which relationship is more valuable and worth saving. Another blooger advises, "If your bond with your ex's mom is putting a strain on your relationship, I think it is best to lay low. For the couple of great conversations that you might have throughout the year, is it really worth making him (current partner) feel icky?"
In such a situation Dr. Chugh advises that, "Communicating and trying to ensure amicability with the ex or with your current partner may facilitate this process. Also, helping the current partner talk about his/her insecurities can also help. The current partner can be reassured about the relationship by making him/her a part of the communication with the ex's family, though this might not be an easy option to digest or exercise for most."
What is important is that one is completely honest to oneself and to the other. If it is the hope getting back with the ex, that motivates one to stay in touch with in-laws and common friends, then he/she is just prolonging the torture caused by the separation. One needs to be clear why one is maintaining these relationships ��� for the pure pleasure of having good friends.
Finally, as Shilpi says, "It all depends on what you want." However, in doing so one needs to be sensitive to other's feelings as well as one's own thoughts and motivations. Dr. Chugh substantiates it, "There are no set or defined rules. Thus, if one feels that there is a good rapport between your ex's family and you and breaking away has had no significant adverse impact on it, then may be one can carry on with the friendship. Overall, let us not lose sight of the fact that it takes much lesser effort to be nice to others than to be rude, unpleasant or obnoxious."